Adventures of the Fandom Heartthrobs
by Amara Anon
Summary: AU crossover series where Sesshomaru from Inuyasha, Legolas from Lord of the Rings, and Lucius Malfoy from Harry Potter are thrown together against all reason and logic for your amusement. They're blond. They're beautiful. But don't call them pretty boys.
1. Costume Party

Disclaimer: The following is a work of parody. I don't own Inuyasha, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, (or Peter Pan, Tarzan, or Barbie).

_A/N: Written for Forthrightly and Nelson Bannaba's Halloween fic contest, as well as Cookienook challenge #14._

_Adventures of the Fandom Heartthrobs is a series of parody fics I write featuring Sesshomaru, Legolas, and Lucius Malfoy. They are not usually posted on this site because they are usually written in script format. If you would like to read more of them, visit blondboytrio on LiveJournal._

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**Adventures of the Fandom Heartthrobs: Costume Party**

Legolas's costume party was in full swing. It had been hard to get everything ready for Halloween in time--especially since that pretentious ass Sesshomaru had failed to show up to help him. Well, whatever had delayed him, he better have a good excuse. Legolas had had to work so hard that a strand of his perfect blond hair had almost gotten out of place! Imagine the damage it would have caused! Why, if he hadn't caught it in time, that would have been a full three hours wasted fixing his hair...

It was time to schmooze with the guests. Legolas walked over to the guy dressed like a giant spider. "Naraku, hey, thanks for coming."

"No problem." Naraku grabbed an unsuspecting hobbit standing by the punch bowl and bit him. The hobbit squealed. "Hey, look at me! I'm Shelob!"

Legolas laughed. "Oh, you old kidder, you!" he said, and bumped into a large wooden staff behind him. He turned around. "Oh hey, Gandalf, buddy, glad you could make it. I know the trip from Valinor's a drag. Great costume. I love the whole hippie thing."

"What, this? No, this was a laundry mishap," Gandalf said, pointing to his tie-dye robes. "I had my clothes dry-cleaned at Tom Bombadil's. Bad idea. Stuff goes on there." He pretended to take a drag.

"Oh, right."

Suddenly a knock on the door sent Legolas into a tizzy. "Ooh, another guest! Excuse me, Gandalf." He smoothed down his green frock, and went to open the door.

"Trick-or-treat, mate," someone in a leopard print toga greeted him.

"Hello, Lucius." Legolas let him inside. "Thanks for coming."

"I can't believe it's Halloween already. It feels like we just celebrated Valentine's Day. Anyway, I brought you a centerpiece decoration for the table."

"Oh, great, this is perfect. A plastic shrunken head! Thanks!"

"Oh, yeah. Plastic. Right. So, uh, who are you supposed to be?" Lucius said, eyeing Legolas's costume. "Tinker Bell?"

"I'm Peter Pan, jackass. And you're one to talk. You look more like Jane than Tarzan in that crazy get-up."

Lucius ignored him. "Hey, is Sesshomaru here yet? I've got to warn him. Kagome found out about the party, and she's coming."

"What? I thought they broke up."

"They did." Lucius leaned in to whisper confidentially. "Between you and me the bitch is crazy."

"Oh, well, Sesshomaru hasn't shown up yet. In fact, he was supposed to come over early to help me set up. But everyone else I invited is here."

"Well, no worries," Lucius said. "You got it done without him, and everything looks great. Hey! You even hired real goblins to accentuate the decorations."

"Lucius, those are hobbits."

"Oh, right." He paused. "Man, they're ugly. You really had to travel across Middle-Earth with those buggers? How did you survive?"

Legolas winked. "I had a mirror with me in case of emergencies. No one should be forced to stare at ugly all day. If you think those hobbits are bad, you should have seen Aragorn. Dude never once showered. I had to hold my nose halfway through Moria."

"Ooh, harsh," Lucius said.

Suddenly a dark figure walked up behind him. "Lucius Malfoy."

Lucius turned around. "Severus Snape." He was wearing a long black cape, white face paint, and fake fangs. "You dressed up like a vampire? Isn't that a tad predictable?"

"Well, you remember all those old rumors the fangirls had going around. Thought I'd humor them and be ironic."

"Nice."

There was another knock on the door, slow, booming, and ominous. "Oh," Legolas said, "That must be Sesshomaru." He opened the door. Standing there was a tall figure cloaked in black holding a long scythe, and wearing a pumpkin on its head. There were no eyeholes, but somehow he was able to walk in as though he could see through it.

Lucius snorted. "Lame costume. Who are you supposed to be, Pumpkinhead?"

Legolas joined in, taunting. "Peter Peter, Pumpkin Eater?"

"The Headless Horseman?"

"Lamey McPumpkinface?" Legolas and Lucius burst into laughter.

The cloaked figure swung his scythe at Lucius, who jumped out of the way. "Hey, hey, c'mon now. We're just teasing. No need to be a git about it." The figure swung again, this time nicking Lucius's arm. "Bloody hell! That better not leave a scar, or you're dead, mate!"

Legolas got in between them. "Now, now, cool it, you two. This is a party." Suddenly the doorbell rang. "Now who could that be..." Legolas opened the door, and someone with radiant , platinum blonde hair walked in wearing a coconut bra and hula skirt.

"Sorry I'm late, fellas. But I had to search five different stores before I could find a Tropical Beach Barbie outfit in my size."

Everyone's jaw dropped. "Sesshomaru!" Legolas cried. "But if you're there, then who's this guy?" he said, pointing to the cloaked figure.

A low, evil cackle made its way from beneath the pumpkin mask. The figure viciously swung its scythe towards Legolas's neck and connected with...

"My hair! My beautiful, long blond hair! It's ruined!" The golden tresses lay murdered on the floor. Legolas fainted.

"Noooo! Noooo! Noooo!" Lucius shrieked, hysterical at the irreparable injury done to his friend.

The cloaked figure pulled off its pumpkin mask, and swore. "Dammit, dammit, dammit! I missed! I thought that one was Sesshomaru. Through this stupid mask you all look the same and I can't hear anything." Kagome stared at the three blond men then. "Well, actually, you all kind of look the same anyway. Oh well." She turned to Sesshomaru before walking out the door. "That's for dumping me, dick."

Sesshomaru watched her go, and then looked at Legolas's new haircut. It was a nightmare of uneven layers and split ends. "Ouch. Now that's just scary."


	2. Of Peacocks and Omens

**Snape: **Severus Snape, your unfriendly neighborhood potions master, here to warn you that this edition of _Adventures of the Fandom Heartthrobs_ contains spoilers for _Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows_ as well as _Inuyasha_ manga chapter 518. Now bugger off.

**Of Peacocks and Omens**

Sesshomaru and Legolas were arguing over whose turn it was to do the dishes when Lucius suddenly burst into their apartment, all out of sorts.

"Blimey," said Legolas, for he was very, very British, "what's got into you?"

Lucius was standing there nervously, wringing his hands, sparks trailing from his wand in agitation, and most unforgivably, perspiring, something a perfect, God-chiseled creature such as himself must never do.

"I'll tell you what's bloody well got into me, mate!" he shrieked, for he was also very, very British.

"Careful now," said Sesshomaru. "You'll put a hair out of place. Just calm down and sit down by the telly," he said, which was slightly British and thus quite odd, considering Sesshomaru was supposed to be Japanese, but then he _had_ been hanging out with these two blokes for more than just a few fortnights.

Lucius allowed his two friends to pull him onto the sofa, quivering noticeably.

"Now, tell us what happened," Legolas said gently.

"Well, there I was, just taking an afternoon stroll around my garden as usual when—I saw it!"

"Saw what?" Sesshomaru urged him on.

Lucius looked as though he were too afraid to continue. His voice came out in a tiny whisper. "The peacock," he said, and then no more.

Legolas and Sesshomaru exchanged a look.

"Um, Lucius, old mate," said Legolas, "your entire garden is covered in peacocks. It has been for years. Are you only now realizing how strange that it?"

Lucius turned on him angrily. "This was not a normal peacock!" he yelled. "This one was"—and here his voice dropped to a whisper again—"_black_."

"So?" said Sesshomaru.

"So? SO?!" bellowed Lucius. "You know I only keep albino peacocks. For a black peacock to appear out of nowhere, it can only be a portent of great misfortune, of highest calamity. I speak of course, my friends, of the most feared mistress of them all—"

"Kagome?" Sesshomaru guessed.

"No, you imbecile!" Lucius shrieked. "DEATH!"

"Oh, right. I thought it was one of the two," Sesshomaru said.

"This is ridiculous," Legolas broke in. "Lucius, we've been over this already. You're not going to die. Ever since the last Harry Potter book was announced, you've been afraid you'd be offed. But see now? The book's come and gone, and you're still here, aren't you?"

Sesshomaru chimed in encouragingly. "I mean, sure, now that your franchise is over, you're growing less relevant by the minute. Losing fangirls in droves. But at least you're not as obsolete as Legsy here."

"Hey!" cried Legolas.

"You're lucky, Sesshomaru," Lucius sighed. "A franchise with no end in sight, a new swarm of fangirls every time your series goes back in rotation... Well, I guess it's not so bad. I've still got two movies left!"

"There you go, that's the spirit," Sesshomaru said with a clap on his back.

"If anyone should be afraid of disappearing, it's this one, isn't it?" Lucius said, thumbing at Legolas. "No more books, no more movies. Sure, you'll coast on countless DVD re-releases, but how long until all the footage is used up and the action figures are in the dollar bin at the local thrift store?"

Legolas gritted his perfect Elf teeth. "Right here, you know."

"Oh, don't get your skirt in a bunch, we're just, to use a term you'll understand, 'taking the piss'," said Sesshomaru.

"Yeah," Lucius said, trying not to laugh as he added, "I'm sure ticket sales for The Lord of the Rings musical stage show will pick right up!"

"Very funny," Legolas grumbled as the demon and the wizard burst into laughter at his expense.

When they were finished, Lucius jumped up in exuberance. "Well, you're right, mates! I have nothing to worry about. That bad omen was just a figment of my imagination! Black peacocks indeed!" And with a laugh and a twirl of his cane, Lucius pranced out the door, whereupon Legolas and Sesshomaru heard the usual _BANG!_ that signified his Disapparition.

Legolas turned a frightened face to Sesshomaru, who looked just as shocked.

"Did you see what I just saw?" Legolas said, mouth agape.

"Then," Sesshomaru gasped, "the bad omen was real!"

For as Lucius had swung his head around, they had witnessed in terror the unspeakable truth: Split ends, likely sent from the Devil himself, ravaging Lucius's formerly perfect 'blond do.

"Should we tell him?" Legolas wondered.

"Are you kidding?" Sesshomaru said, revealing his glee. "That pompous jackass, I haven't been this happy since I got my arm back!"


End file.
